What's next?? Clueless!

I want to know what is next for me.

My hub has done nothing so far but gave me laboratory tests.

I was asked to submit sputum samples again because they said my first samples' results were inconsistent. Actually I just asked one of the staffs there.

I also submitted my xray result which by the way led me to another xray because of the suspicious densities thinggy that they have seen in my first.

Just this afternoon, I had my second xray. This time it is a different view. They said this will confirm if my lungs have some sort of damage.

And now, I dont know what is next... Yeah,.. once I have the xray result I know I have to come back to Alabang and go to my hub.

I will have a talk with the doctor. I must ask about the ff.

1. My sputum test result.
2. If I need to start taking ARVS - My CD4 count is 358.
3. Why I have recurring cough and colds?
4. My xray result.
5. DO I have TB?
6. My back hurts a lot. DO I have osteoporosis?


Pls pray for me...

xoxoxo
Kevin

From http://positiveequalsrebirth.blogspot.com

I read this open letter from one of the poz bloggers. I really wish Philhealth can do something so pozzies wont have dilemma financially. Its no joke to pay for your lab tests and ARVs. Thats a hell lot of money. As an educator in a private school,I dont get much. Lives are at stake here...

An open letter to Philhealth
Dear Philhealth,

Firstly, I'd like to think that persons living with HIV (PLHIVs) like me truly appreciate your gesture of taking care of/subsidizing the cost of antiretrovirals (ARVs) that many of us take and of certain laboratory tests that we need to undergo relative to our medical condition, especially with the approaching termination of the Global Fund's financing of the same by December 2012. It would be of great help to us - financially, that is.

But I have some gripes with the way your office is treating us PLHIVs, who do not deserve to be burdened with certain requirements and procedures that would only stress us out a lot. Do know that stress and/or depression is not good for those like me.

You have required PLHIVS still not taking ARVs to pay for the CD4 count, for example. Whether or not, they have Philhealth. A CD4 count in a certain treatment hub costs P3,000! That amount is too heavy for someone who is earning just the minimum wage or barely reaching minimum wage. What if a PLHIV cannot afford to take that count or some other lab tests because of lack of funds? He or she will never know the current status of his or her immuno-compromised health unless he or she undergoes the regular physical exams and lab tests.

Another predicament that PLHIVs face is having to ask our human resources (HR), administrative heads, or managers to sign the CF1 form, which we need to submit every time we get ARVs or every three months. The most common questions asked of us who ask our employers or company officers to sign the documents are: what is this for and why do we need to sign it? We are a loss on how to explain it. We cannot tell them we have HIV, right? Or that we need this document for our HIV treatment.

I have learned that doctors of designated treatment hubs and representatives of PLHIV groups have met Philhealth officers and asked if your office can accept payslips instead of the CF1 because of the difficulty faced by PLHIVs in having it signed. The payslips would show that the employed is a regular contributor to Philhealth anyway. But your office have reportedly turned down the suggestion saying that payslips can be faked. But your office can check with where the PLHIV is working to determine if he or she is indeed employed there as suggested also but your office said that it would entail lots of work and would be an additional burden on your part.

We have the option though to tell our company that we will personally take over paying our contributions directly to Philhealth in order to evade questions on the signing of the CF1 forms but that would be tedious for PLHIVs, knowing how slow procedures are when it comes to government office transactions.

Sigh.

So we PLHIVs have no choice but to submit the CF1 form, along with the MDR every three months, and face the scrutiny of our employers, even the risk of not having our CF1 forms signed unless we can adequately explain why and for what reason is it being submitted for their signature.

I wish your office can make it things easier for us PLHIVs. We already have this medical condition. It was a lapse in our personal judgment by not adhering to safe sex that is why we contracted HIV, but do we have to be "punished" like this by your office?

I hope more consideration would be given to us because the bottom-line here is: lives are at stake.

Yours truly,
R10-AAC of RITM/"Aries"

I know things are gonna get better.

I know things are gonna get better
And I know things are gonna be fine
And I know life is gonna get better
Standing here together
Yeah, we’re gonna be fine

Why teachers don't have HMOs?

Ive been reading a lot today. I like to read other Pozzies' blogs.

This got my attention, other pozzies are trouble free because their hosp. bills may be covered by their HMOs.

Most of them are call center agents....

And then there is me, a high school teacher without an HMO and someone who gets little compensation.

To think that teachers should be given priority basically because with our line of work, we can easily get sick!

I've made up my mind! I must resign!

Universal access to HIV prevention, treatment and care is the key to ending the global AIDS epidemic.

Random thoughts...

This is for my single Poz friends... 





For all the Pozzies... 






This is for everyone...







AND THIS IS MY ADVOCACY.

Live like I dont have HIV

. 

Hello readers! Im so sorry for being away for some time... Ive been busy this past few days.

Busy with a lot of things normal (meaning healthy) people do..

First, I was with Chart's family last weekend. It was a celebration of his mom's bday. I had a blast!
For a while I forgot both of us have HIV.

Also, I felt sad. You know that guilt feeling that someday Chart's family might blame me for they might think I infected him? I felt that.

Anyway, that should be the least of our worries for now.

Then, I was working out a lot the past days. It is part of living a healthy life.

I was informed Chart's lab tests came out and all were negative. I thank God for that.

Mine?? well since there was a delay, I am anticipating sputum test is positive. I mean I am prepared to hear worse.

But I know God will not give me something I wouldnt be able to endure.

Please include us in your prayers.

Love, Love, Love....

Thank you readers!

I made this blog because of one advocacy: To spread HIV awareness through sharing my journey in living with the virus.

It is overwhelming to know that bloggers, readers, net surfers.... online peeps... take time to stop here, read and know my story. 

May thanks! And please continue to help me spread HIV awareness by promoting this blog.

Jesus is my healer...

Im sorry baby...

I told my sister about my status... I wished I did'nt.... 

Jap, a counselor -friend, told me that the loved ones of POZZIES need counseling too. And that they will also go through a process of acceptance. And it is no easy task...

Im sorry my love.  I dont want to give you burden. I dont want to give you something to worry about.

It was just because I am scared I wont be around for too long to be your Kuya...

Im not gonna die... not yet.... We will still make a lot of good memories together...

I love you sis... I so love you...

My Everlasting God

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..." - Romans 12:2

It is hard to obey God's will when we are too familiar with the ways of the world. Being too familiar with worldly principles will eventually lead to compromise.

Your will my Lord.... Your will be done..... 

Help me start trusting and stop questioning...  

I love you Jesus. 

I love you goodbye!

Can things get any worse??

Chart's CD4 count is good. Thank God!
The normal threshold is 350... His CD4 count is 600. That means he is still okay. He wont need to take ARVs for the meantime.

Mine is 358. It is still okay.
However, the ppd test they gave me showed positive.
Meaning I am exposed to tuberculosis. They cant tell for now if I have TB or I am just exposed to it.
I have to wait for the sputum test result. Also, I have to have an XRAY taken.




I stared smoking when I was still in HS. The doctor advised I should stop smoking.
I had my last cigarette last night about 8:00PM.. Its like saying goodbye to your friend.
Smoking became my release when I am angry, sad,and in pain.

To quote Sir Walter Raleigh: Comes meus fuit illo miserrimo tempo 
(It was my companion at that most miserable time

I dont know how this could all be possible for me. But I know I really have to let you go!

I must not smoke. I know I will not smoke today. I must do it everyday.

So if I they tell me I have TB, my days are numbered.

Isnt that the purpose why I have HIV? So I can accept death?

Til death do us part - MY STORY part 3

Tayo na talaga hanggang wakas. 

Chart was everything I could wish for. He is the most responsible, loving, caring and dedicated partner.
When all our emotions subsided, we then talked about the possibilities and other what ifs .. 


We have decided that it is best that he'd be tested as soon as possible.

Since I must go to the hub for further laboratory tests, we opted to have him tested there as well.

We were there monday morning. After a stressful travel and almost getting lost, we finally found the hub.

I was hesitant to enter at first. At first glance, I saw the other POZ. I thought they are also almost at the end of their lifeline.

I looked for Kiara. My counselor texted me that he will have someone to assist me and that I should look for her.

She is so accommodating. She understands the fear, the agony, the hesitation... the ALL..

Later, she confided she is also a POZ. She is an angel to me. The nicest stranger at that point in time.

They told us they cant have Chart tested and that we have to go to their satellite clinic for the rapid test.

But again to our surprise, they made a way for Chart to be tested. Maybe because they know Chart's agony. As if they feel what we feel.

While waiting for my  consultation, Chart's counseling started.

My heartbeat, I swear, felt like an unending bullet from a machine gun.

We went to the sort of prayer room near the laboratory.

Chart was crying... I felt miserable..

I know I could have infected him.. Like the walkers in the walking dead series...

I felt like a zombie.. I felt like it was just right if I just die at that moment of time....

I felt God has cursed me... I felt I belong to hell...

Chart was praying all sorts of prayer.. He is the most religious partner I've had.

When he was over.. We talked... I told him I prayed not for me but for him...

I told him how much I love him.. I told him I am sorry...

He assured me whatever happens he wont leave me...

The result came... We were requested to go to a small room for the post counseling..

Time just stopped... I swear to God!

Chart's blood is REACTIVE...

I cried...
We cried...

The loudest cry Ive cried since I found out I am POZ...

I cried because God again did not grant my request...

I cried because Chart does not deserve this curse....

I cried because I love him...

We all have the capacity to THINK!

I found this video from
This made me cry.... Some people in the video I met when I found out I am poz..

I didnt know their story... Not until I watched the video...

God bless those people who suffer....

What if my CD4 is so low?

Then my HIV becomes AIDS... I , then should start taking ARV Drugs...

Antiretroviral drugs keep the levels of HIV in the body at a low level, so that the immune system is able to recover and work effectively. Antiretroviral drugs enable many HIV positive people to live long and healthy lives.

Starting antiretroviral treatment for HIV infection involves commitment - drugs have to be taken every day, and for the rest of a person's life. Adhering to HIV treatment is important, particularly because not doing so increases the risk of drug resistance. Side effects to the HIV drugs can make adherence difficult, and are sometimes very severe. There are ways of reducing the impact of these side effects, but sometimes it is necessary to change to an alternative HIV treatment regime.

There are more than 20 antiretroviral drugs approved for the treatment of HIV infection in the US and Europe, as well as many new HIV drugs currently undergoing trials. Although treatment for HIV has become more widely available in recent years, access to antiretroviral treatment is limited.

I so wish my and Chart's CD4 results are still okay... May God bless us...

Anticipating CD4

On Thursday I'll have a CD4 test. 

The CD4 count tells your doctor how strong your immune system is, how far HIV disease has advanced (the stage of the disease), and helps predict the risk of complications and debilitating infections. The CD4 count is most useful when it is compared with the count obtained from an earlier test.

The CD4 count is used in combination with the viral load test, which measures the level of HIV in the blood, to determine the staging and outlook of the disease.

The CD4 count is also used to identify possible health problems for which you may be at risk and to determine which medications might be helpful.

Just few seconds ago I posted a video about HIV and AIDS.. Something caught my attention..

Kaposis Sarcoma is one indication that your HIV has turned into AIDS..

I've been seeing this kind of lesion on my skin...

I just hope its not yet too late for me... HIV turned into AIDS is worse...

I am also praying and hoping that Chart's CD4 count is still okay...

God... whatever your plan is... it is causing me and Chart more pain...

HIV AND AIDS

Paano magmamahal ang pusong bilang na ang pagtibok?? - MY STORY Part 2

Paglabas ko ng cubicle, pakiramdam ko lahat ng tao alam na HIV+ ako.

 Pakiramdam ko lahat sila nakatingin sakin.


 Hinuhusgahan ako... Kinaaawaan... Pinandidirian... 


Lumabas na ako sa testing area... Ramdam ko ang init ng araw... init na ilang oras lamang bago ako nagpa test ay inirereklamo ko. Ngunit nung mga oras na iyon... Parang iyon na ang huling pagkakataon na mararamdaman ko ang init ng araw.

Isa lang ang nasa isip ko nung mga oras na yun. Kailangan malaman ni Chart na HIV+ ako.

Hindi ko alam kung paano at saan. Pero sigurado ako na kailangan nya malaman agad.

Naalala ko pa ung sinabi ko sa kanya. "I need to feel good about myself so I can feel good about us!"

Ito na nga siguro ung dapat matagal ko nang ginawa.

Napatunayan ko sa puntong iyon na mahal na mahal ko siya..

Paulit ulit na tumatakbo sa isip ko na sana ako nalang... Sana hindi siya...

Blanko ang isip ko... Naiisip ko ang masasayang araw ko kasama si Chart... Naisip ko ung mga panahong ipinangako ko sa kanya na huling beses ko na cyang sasaktan... Mga araw na nakikipag balikan siya pero ayoko sa dahilang gusto ko lamang mapag isa.

Paano ngayon? Hindi ko sya pwedeng basta na lamang iwan.. 

Malamang nahawa ko siya... 

Eh paano kung siya ang nakahawa sayo? Hindi ka naman sigurado na ikaw ang nakahawa ah! 

Tila ako at ang sarili ko ay may pagtatalo...

Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko... Tinawagan ko sya... Naluluha ako nuon.. Pinilit ko gawing normal ang boses ko... Nanginginig akong naghintay na masagot nya ang tawag ko...

O Bakit?? Sabi nya..
 -Asan ka??
Asa bahay lang.. mag sisimba ako mamaya bakit??
- ahhh... san ba magandang magbakasyon? Tara! alis tayo! mag empake ka!
Huh? Saan pupunta? Anu na naman ba ito?
- Ung sasakay lang tayo ng kahit anung bus tapos kahit san tayo mapadpad.
Totoo ba to? Baka masaktan lang ako.. Kung masasaktan lang ulit ako... Wag nalang...
- Ayaw mo??
Gusto!!! Hihintayin kita dito sa bahay... Kasi naman eh...
- Sige pauwi na aq... Mag empake kna ha!

Habang nasa byahe... Tulala pa din ako... Iniisip ko ilang taon kaya ako mabubuhay.. Paano yung mga mahal ko sa buhay.. Tiyak masasaktan sila...

Paano ko babaguhin ung buhay ko.. ung makasisiguro ako na kahit kelan man ako kuhanin ay ready ako...

Malapit na ako sa bahay namin... Alam ko hinihintay nya ako... Nananabik sya sa pagbabalik ko...
Naisip ko... Hindi na siguro ako makapag hihintay na umalis pa kami... Gusto ko na sabihin sa kanya...

Pagdating ko nakahiga sya... Nagbihis ako... Matamlay ang pakiramdam ko... Parang hinang hina ako...

Humiga ako sa tabi nya... Napansin nya na matamlay ako...

May sakit kba??- Wala... Dont worry... 

Parang matamlay ka...- Dont worry...

Mga ilang minuto din ang nakalipas bago ako nagkalakas ng loob magsalita muli.

- Gaano moko kamahal??
Hindi ko alam... Kung alam ko lang sana alam ko din kung paano mag move on....

            - What if I tell you I am dying??

Huh??? Anung ibig mong sabihin?? Bakit???
Nagpa test ka?? May HIV ka??

Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko... Lumabas na din ang kanina ko pang pinipigil na pag iyak...

Yinakap nya ako... Pareho kaming humahagulgol...

"Maaring meron na din ako Kevin!"
"Pero napag usapan na natin to dati! Kung sakali man na magkakasakit ka o ako.. Hindi tayo mag iiwanan."

Umiyak na din sya... Hindi ko kayang nakikita syang umiiyak... Doble ang sakit sa akin.. Lalo pat alam ko na maaring ako ang nakahawa sa kanya...

Ikinuwento ko sa kanya paano ako naglakas ng loob magpa test..

Nag usap kami... Nag plano... Nagdesisyon na din kami na bukas na bukas din ay sasamahan nya ako para sa laboratory tests ko...

Bukas din ay magpapa check sya...

Bukas maaring mag iba ang buhay nya..

Paano nga ba magmamahal ang pusong maaring bilang na ang pagtibok??

Itutuloy.....

Fuck Facts!

Got this from LOVE YOURSELF PROJECT. This is something we cant just disregard.

These are facts....


Now if we add the number of new HIV+ cases from the mass testing last April 29, 2012, it will be a whooping increase to the total reported cases.

You might be infected. You better be sure! Have yourself tested.


 The guy you had sex with last night or even days ago might be HIV+.


 It is best to be certain! 

My new BIRTHDAY 04/29/2012 - MY STORY Part 1

Me?? HIV positive? Nah... I've never felt any symptoms.... I mean cough and cold, fever, rashes and diarrhea... They're just normal right? cant be HIV... cant be HIV.... 

All the guys I had sex with, they looked normal to me. They looked clean.

I always tell all this to myself.  

Kevin, you dont have to be tested. If you are positive it is better that you dont know. At least you'll die not knowing you were infected because you had numerous sex partners.

I have a partner, we've been living together for almost four years now. Prior to being tested, we broke up. I've been single for almost just a month when I told myself if I would start a new life with somebody new, I'd better come clean. I'd better take an HIV test. 

After some research, I found  Migs' blog. The "Love Yourself Project" conducted a mass testing at Harrison Rd. Pasay City. I got in touch with a facilitator named Kiko. He gave me a sort of counseling. 

The day itself..... I was hesitant at first to enter the facility.. It took me three attempts just going back and forth the main door. Finally, I told myself "bahala na!" "Andito kna eh!"...

They assigned one counselor to three clients.. I met Jay and John. 

While waiting for the result, I met other guys who I consider now my friends...

Finally, Jay and John's results were given. My counselor told me I had to wait for few more minutes..

So I waited... I wanted to describe how I felt while waiting but I cant seem to find the right words to tell exactly how I felt. It was mixed emotions... nerve wracking... agonizing.... breathtaking ( I meant literally)..

10 minutes... 20 minutes.... 30 minutes... 35 minutes... 

I saw other guys, who came later, were given their results.

40 minutes... 45 minutes....

Thats it!!! I told someone who was sitting beside me "Magyoyosi lang aq!"

While smoking... I prayed.. "Lord, parang alam ko na.... Pero bakit??? bakit ako???"

When I came back, my counselor had my results. 

He said he didnt open it yet.. That they are not allowed to see the result without the patient/client.

He said "nonreactive ka sa syphilis"

- Thank God! I said.

"Nonreactive ka sa HEPA!" 

 - Good Lord! I uttered.

It took him 3 seconds... to finally speak again...

For HIV..... "REACTIVE KA" 

........................................................................................

...........................................

.....................................................................................

You see the dots?? That was like my initial reaction... BLANK....

I could'nt remember how many OHMYGODs I said...

I cried....  You wont be able to imagine how it feels like knowing your days might be numbered...

My counselor was giving me all sorts of advice... It somehow did not matter at that moment...

When I finally had the strength to speak up, I told him..

I have a partner... He might be positive... How would I tell him?? 

I love him.. He should be negative... 

 I can handle this... 

But if he has this???   


My God!!!!

To be continued....