Til death do us part - MY STORY part 3

Tayo na talaga hanggang wakas. 

Chart was everything I could wish for. He is the most responsible, loving, caring and dedicated partner.
When all our emotions subsided, we then talked about the possibilities and other what ifs .. 


We have decided that it is best that he'd be tested as soon as possible.

Since I must go to the hub for further laboratory tests, we opted to have him tested there as well.

We were there monday morning. After a stressful travel and almost getting lost, we finally found the hub.

I was hesitant to enter at first. At first glance, I saw the other POZ. I thought they are also almost at the end of their lifeline.

I looked for Kiara. My counselor texted me that he will have someone to assist me and that I should look for her.

She is so accommodating. She understands the fear, the agony, the hesitation... the ALL..

Later, she confided she is also a POZ. She is an angel to me. The nicest stranger at that point in time.

They told us they cant have Chart tested and that we have to go to their satellite clinic for the rapid test.

But again to our surprise, they made a way for Chart to be tested. Maybe because they know Chart's agony. As if they feel what we feel.

While waiting for my  consultation, Chart's counseling started.

My heartbeat, I swear, felt like an unending bullet from a machine gun.

We went to the sort of prayer room near the laboratory.

Chart was crying... I felt miserable..

I know I could have infected him.. Like the walkers in the walking dead series...

I felt like a zombie.. I felt like it was just right if I just die at that moment of time....

I felt God has cursed me... I felt I belong to hell...

Chart was praying all sorts of prayer.. He is the most religious partner I've had.

When he was over.. We talked... I told him I prayed not for me but for him...

I told him how much I love him.. I told him I am sorry...

He assured me whatever happens he wont leave me...

The result came... We were requested to go to a small room for the post counseling..

Time just stopped... I swear to God!

Chart's blood is REACTIVE...

I cried...
We cried...

The loudest cry Ive cried since I found out I am POZ...

I cried because God again did not grant my request...

I cried because Chart does not deserve this curse....

I cried because I love him...

We all have the capacity to THINK!

I found this video from
This made me cry.... Some people in the video I met when I found out I am poz..

I didnt know their story... Not until I watched the video...

God bless those people who suffer....

What if my CD4 is so low?

Then my HIV becomes AIDS... I , then should start taking ARV Drugs...

Antiretroviral drugs keep the levels of HIV in the body at a low level, so that the immune system is able to recover and work effectively. Antiretroviral drugs enable many HIV positive people to live long and healthy lives.

Starting antiretroviral treatment for HIV infection involves commitment - drugs have to be taken every day, and for the rest of a person's life. Adhering to HIV treatment is important, particularly because not doing so increases the risk of drug resistance. Side effects to the HIV drugs can make adherence difficult, and are sometimes very severe. There are ways of reducing the impact of these side effects, but sometimes it is necessary to change to an alternative HIV treatment regime.

There are more than 20 antiretroviral drugs approved for the treatment of HIV infection in the US and Europe, as well as many new HIV drugs currently undergoing trials. Although treatment for HIV has become more widely available in recent years, access to antiretroviral treatment is limited.

I so wish my and Chart's CD4 results are still okay... May God bless us...

Anticipating CD4

On Thursday I'll have a CD4 test. 

The CD4 count tells your doctor how strong your immune system is, how far HIV disease has advanced (the stage of the disease), and helps predict the risk of complications and debilitating infections. The CD4 count is most useful when it is compared with the count obtained from an earlier test.

The CD4 count is used in combination with the viral load test, which measures the level of HIV in the blood, to determine the staging and outlook of the disease.

The CD4 count is also used to identify possible health problems for which you may be at risk and to determine which medications might be helpful.

Just few seconds ago I posted a video about HIV and AIDS.. Something caught my attention..

Kaposis Sarcoma is one indication that your HIV has turned into AIDS..

I've been seeing this kind of lesion on my skin...

I just hope its not yet too late for me... HIV turned into AIDS is worse...

I am also praying and hoping that Chart's CD4 count is still okay...

God... whatever your plan is... it is causing me and Chart more pain...

HIV AND AIDS

Paano magmamahal ang pusong bilang na ang pagtibok?? - MY STORY Part 2

Paglabas ko ng cubicle, pakiramdam ko lahat ng tao alam na HIV+ ako.

 Pakiramdam ko lahat sila nakatingin sakin.


 Hinuhusgahan ako... Kinaaawaan... Pinandidirian... 


Lumabas na ako sa testing area... Ramdam ko ang init ng araw... init na ilang oras lamang bago ako nagpa test ay inirereklamo ko. Ngunit nung mga oras na iyon... Parang iyon na ang huling pagkakataon na mararamdaman ko ang init ng araw.

Isa lang ang nasa isip ko nung mga oras na yun. Kailangan malaman ni Chart na HIV+ ako.

Hindi ko alam kung paano at saan. Pero sigurado ako na kailangan nya malaman agad.

Naalala ko pa ung sinabi ko sa kanya. "I need to feel good about myself so I can feel good about us!"

Ito na nga siguro ung dapat matagal ko nang ginawa.

Napatunayan ko sa puntong iyon na mahal na mahal ko siya..

Paulit ulit na tumatakbo sa isip ko na sana ako nalang... Sana hindi siya...

Blanko ang isip ko... Naiisip ko ang masasayang araw ko kasama si Chart... Naisip ko ung mga panahong ipinangako ko sa kanya na huling beses ko na cyang sasaktan... Mga araw na nakikipag balikan siya pero ayoko sa dahilang gusto ko lamang mapag isa.

Paano ngayon? Hindi ko sya pwedeng basta na lamang iwan.. 

Malamang nahawa ko siya... 

Eh paano kung siya ang nakahawa sayo? Hindi ka naman sigurado na ikaw ang nakahawa ah! 

Tila ako at ang sarili ko ay may pagtatalo...

Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko... Tinawagan ko sya... Naluluha ako nuon.. Pinilit ko gawing normal ang boses ko... Nanginginig akong naghintay na masagot nya ang tawag ko...

O Bakit?? Sabi nya..
 -Asan ka??
Asa bahay lang.. mag sisimba ako mamaya bakit??
- ahhh... san ba magandang magbakasyon? Tara! alis tayo! mag empake ka!
Huh? Saan pupunta? Anu na naman ba ito?
- Ung sasakay lang tayo ng kahit anung bus tapos kahit san tayo mapadpad.
Totoo ba to? Baka masaktan lang ako.. Kung masasaktan lang ulit ako... Wag nalang...
- Ayaw mo??
Gusto!!! Hihintayin kita dito sa bahay... Kasi naman eh...
- Sige pauwi na aq... Mag empake kna ha!

Habang nasa byahe... Tulala pa din ako... Iniisip ko ilang taon kaya ako mabubuhay.. Paano yung mga mahal ko sa buhay.. Tiyak masasaktan sila...

Paano ko babaguhin ung buhay ko.. ung makasisiguro ako na kahit kelan man ako kuhanin ay ready ako...

Malapit na ako sa bahay namin... Alam ko hinihintay nya ako... Nananabik sya sa pagbabalik ko...
Naisip ko... Hindi na siguro ako makapag hihintay na umalis pa kami... Gusto ko na sabihin sa kanya...

Pagdating ko nakahiga sya... Nagbihis ako... Matamlay ang pakiramdam ko... Parang hinang hina ako...

Humiga ako sa tabi nya... Napansin nya na matamlay ako...

May sakit kba??- Wala... Dont worry... 

Parang matamlay ka...- Dont worry...

Mga ilang minuto din ang nakalipas bago ako nagkalakas ng loob magsalita muli.

- Gaano moko kamahal??
Hindi ko alam... Kung alam ko lang sana alam ko din kung paano mag move on....

            - What if I tell you I am dying??

Huh??? Anung ibig mong sabihin?? Bakit???
Nagpa test ka?? May HIV ka??

Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko... Lumabas na din ang kanina ko pang pinipigil na pag iyak...

Yinakap nya ako... Pareho kaming humahagulgol...

"Maaring meron na din ako Kevin!"
"Pero napag usapan na natin to dati! Kung sakali man na magkakasakit ka o ako.. Hindi tayo mag iiwanan."

Umiyak na din sya... Hindi ko kayang nakikita syang umiiyak... Doble ang sakit sa akin.. Lalo pat alam ko na maaring ako ang nakahawa sa kanya...

Ikinuwento ko sa kanya paano ako naglakas ng loob magpa test..

Nag usap kami... Nag plano... Nagdesisyon na din kami na bukas na bukas din ay sasamahan nya ako para sa laboratory tests ko...

Bukas din ay magpapa check sya...

Bukas maaring mag iba ang buhay nya..

Paano nga ba magmamahal ang pusong maaring bilang na ang pagtibok??

Itutuloy.....

Fuck Facts!

Got this from LOVE YOURSELF PROJECT. This is something we cant just disregard.

These are facts....


Now if we add the number of new HIV+ cases from the mass testing last April 29, 2012, it will be a whooping increase to the total reported cases.

You might be infected. You better be sure! Have yourself tested.


 The guy you had sex with last night or even days ago might be HIV+.


 It is best to be certain! 

My new BIRTHDAY 04/29/2012 - MY STORY Part 1

Me?? HIV positive? Nah... I've never felt any symptoms.... I mean cough and cold, fever, rashes and diarrhea... They're just normal right? cant be HIV... cant be HIV.... 

All the guys I had sex with, they looked normal to me. They looked clean.

I always tell all this to myself.  

Kevin, you dont have to be tested. If you are positive it is better that you dont know. At least you'll die not knowing you were infected because you had numerous sex partners.

I have a partner, we've been living together for almost four years now. Prior to being tested, we broke up. I've been single for almost just a month when I told myself if I would start a new life with somebody new, I'd better come clean. I'd better take an HIV test. 

After some research, I found  Migs' blog. The "Love Yourself Project" conducted a mass testing at Harrison Rd. Pasay City. I got in touch with a facilitator named Kiko. He gave me a sort of counseling. 

The day itself..... I was hesitant at first to enter the facility.. It took me three attempts just going back and forth the main door. Finally, I told myself "bahala na!" "Andito kna eh!"...

They assigned one counselor to three clients.. I met Jay and John. 

While waiting for the result, I met other guys who I consider now my friends...

Finally, Jay and John's results were given. My counselor told me I had to wait for few more minutes..

So I waited... I wanted to describe how I felt while waiting but I cant seem to find the right words to tell exactly how I felt. It was mixed emotions... nerve wracking... agonizing.... breathtaking ( I meant literally)..

10 minutes... 20 minutes.... 30 minutes... 35 minutes... 

I saw other guys, who came later, were given their results.

40 minutes... 45 minutes....

Thats it!!! I told someone who was sitting beside me "Magyoyosi lang aq!"

While smoking... I prayed.. "Lord, parang alam ko na.... Pero bakit??? bakit ako???"

When I came back, my counselor had my results. 

He said he didnt open it yet.. That they are not allowed to see the result without the patient/client.

He said "nonreactive ka sa syphilis"

- Thank God! I said.

"Nonreactive ka sa HEPA!" 

 - Good Lord! I uttered.

It took him 3 seconds... to finally speak again...

For HIV..... "REACTIVE KA" 

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You see the dots?? That was like my initial reaction... BLANK....

I could'nt remember how many OHMYGODs I said...

I cried....  You wont be able to imagine how it feels like knowing your days might be numbered...

My counselor was giving me all sorts of advice... It somehow did not matter at that moment...

When I finally had the strength to speak up, I told him..

I have a partner... He might be positive... How would I tell him?? 

I love him.. He should be negative... 

 I can handle this... 

But if he has this???   


My God!!!!

To be continued....