CRISIS

I am in a phase of my life wherein I dont exactly know what I want and what makes me happy.

I am in an almost perfect *no issues/problems* committed relationship.

Our business is doing great. Although we are living way beyond our means. Truth of the matter is, we dont save, we earn to pay our debts. But hey, we eat more than 3 times a day. We are not starving. Bottomline, we are surviving.

However, recent events drive me really crazy. I am now starting to think the could have beens. Now I am reminiscing * a lot* the times I am independent and free to do what I want to do. Make decisions on my own, travel with my bestfriends, earn money, spend it and get drunk and all those type of crazy things.

I am in a CRISIS. And my SELF is corrupting my capacity to be sensible.


Palm Face Kevin! You have HIV and you must be grateful you are in a serious relationship. Okay so reality kicks in.


Bye.

Stigmatized...

Here's my dilemma...

 I resigned from my current employer because of the workload. I thought of an easy way out! I used my previous medical condition having been exposed to tuberculosis as the reason why they had to let me go the soonest possible time.

 Of course they will have to validate my reason with the University's physician/doctor.

I showed her my lab results (which showed pulmonary fibrosis and suspected pneumonia). She said there is no reason for me to worry because the TB exposure was cured and my Xray just showed a scar on my lung.

So she could approved my excuse to resign, I told her my status. I said I could'nt bare the workload anymore and that it gives me stress blah blah blah...

 She understood my situation. She thanked me for trusting her with my status and we came up with an idea that she will just indicate that I am unfit to work so I could just rest.

 end of story...
So I thought...

When I was getting my last pay, my Boss asked if I could see her and the Principal ASAP.
So I did....
 They told me they just could let me go.. That I am an asset to the University blah blah blah...
So the Principal suggested I apply for an Admin position. She said I recover first, secure a fit to work clearance and return to her so she could endorse my application to the Chancellor.

 So overwhelming...... Instruction sounds easy.. the offer so tempting...

 So I did it all..

 Now the DEVIL!

The University Doctor now wants to tell the HR head my status before they could approve my application. She said part of her contract with the school is that she must disclose all the employees health status especially if condition considered critical.
 That she couldnt just confirm my fit to work without explaining the hazard of my condition.
 That because of my condition I may not be able to perform some job responsibilities of the position.

Of course I reasoned out! I told her there is no reason to disclose my status.
That we have a HIV Law, so she couldnt just disclose my status without my consent blah blah blah... the conversation ended with her telling me she has to think about approving my fit to work first..

 any thoughts on this????

Hello

Took me a long while to finally use my brain cells again and write a blog entry.... So I've decided to start it with a quick update. Okay so what happened to me and Chart? First we are still together, going stronger and stronger everyday. Both of our families have embraced and accepted our relationship. We attend mass together, we eat out, we go to spa, we celebrate...... etc.. I am still on Nevi + Lami (Thank God)! My last CD4 count was 368 and Chart's CD4 is still above the threshold so he hasnt started taking ARVs and we are so grateful for that!

When God Ran

Im so moved by this song... I love you God.

Did HIV ruin my life? Nah! It made me a better lover, teacher, believer, son, brother and friend.

The more I spend each day knowing that I am might be dying, the more I realize that there are so many things that can be translated into reasons for wanting and fighting to live.

I want to have a list of things that changed me and my disposition ever since I took that life changing HIV test. 

I came up with my top three...


1. HIV made me closer to God.

- I believe God gave me HIV not to punish me but to make me value the gift He has given me - LIFE.

I should consider this a renewal of my faith with my creator. I became a christian and started attending praise and worship service every Sunday. I feel God's hand drawing me closer to him. I honestly feel redeemed and saved. I know I am still a sinner and will continue to sin everyday, but I know God will continue to understand and forgive me. The plans and purposes of God in regard to forgiveness are as far above those of people as the heavens are higher than the earth


2. HIV made me love Chart and his family.

- I wrote about Chart's family and our journey as HIV+ couple. I came to realize that HIV made me a better lover. Chart accepted my status (there is a big possibility that I infected him) and stayed with me. This is by far the greatest love I ever felt. I feel the love of his sister and mom too. And just recently his father and I are in speaking terms. (although I still feel awkward knowing that he disagrees with our relationship) His sister told me that they talked to Chart's father and they made him understand that what we have is a commitment. And that we really love each other. Had I not been infected, I believe I wouldnt be this committed and contented.


3. HIV made me find good in everything and everyone.

- Redundant it may sound but being HIV positive made me positive. I think knowing that everyday can be your last is a reason to celebrate each day. I now can look at everyone and can smile and say that life is indeed beautiful. And now, in every situation that may seem unfortunate for me is an opportunity to step up and do better.

34 Ways That You Can Be Remarkable!

This I got from  http://addicted2success.com/success-advice/34-ways-that-you-can-be-remarkable/

The #1 Guide On Being A Remarkable Human Being

• Live Your Own LifeThere is nothing remarkable about someone who is constantly trying to be like other people. Be yourself and be the best you that you can possibly be.

• Be AuthenticMean the things you say and do. Authenticity is not very common these days but when it is there, it shines through your words and actions and is very powerful for creating bonds with others.

• Come Up With Your Own SayingsCome up with your own quirky and original sayings. People will take notice and it may even catch on. By coming up with your own original sayings you stand out from everyone else who just uses clichés.

• Leave Others Better Than You Found Them
  Make it a habit to leave people in a better state then you found them. Happier, healthier, stronger, wealthier. This is a major way of being remarkable.

• Help People Without Wanting Anything In ReturnVolunteer to help other people out. Give some of your time, money or resources to help a fellow human being and expect absolutely nothing in return.

• Don’t Try To Be PerfectBe creative and abstract instead of trying to live up to other people’s expectation of perfect. You can achieve great and beautiful things without them living up to the general consensus of perfect.

• Face Your FearsPeople who avoid things because they are scared will never be remarkable. Face your fears and conquer them. Do you think Lance Armstrong would have been remarkable if he had given up cycling after he had cancer?

• Take The PlungeBe that person who does what others won’t do. If others are too scared to attempt something that you are not scared to do, just go out and do it with all your passion and energy.

• Question The NormJust because something is done by millions of people around the world in a certain way does not mean it is the right or the only way to do something. Question the norm and don’t be afraid to do something differently.

• Expose YourselfGet up on stage or in front of people. Risk putting your ideas and creativity out in public, available for criticism and humiliation. What if Jay Z would have been to scared to perform in public and kept all his talent and art to himself in his basement?

• Start Your Own TribeBe a leader instead of a follower. Build up a community or tribe of like minded people who will follow you and use your power to make a difference for the better in this world.

• Say NO To ThingsIf something goes against your principles or you don’t really want it, say NO. You might risk offending some people, but most will respect you for having strong boundaries and sticking to them.

• You Are Enough
  Have the mindset that you have all the assets to be remarkable. You have talent and you have a gift. Share it with the world.

• Be OptimisticOptimism and smiles are contagious. Make the world a happy and positive place.

• Be confidentKnow what you want and be confident that you are going to get it. I think that all remarkable people share the trait of confidence.

• Be HumbleArrogance and vanity are not traits to associate with people you respect and think highly of. No matter how good, famous or wealthy you are, stay humble with both feet on the ground.

• Create something that brings joy to other peoples livesArt, a painting, a video clip, a film, a song, a poem, a book and so on and so forth. Be artistic and express your talent in a form that it can be shared with everyone without the expectation of getting rich from it. It’s your gift to the world.

• Invent something that everyone needsThe disposable razor or a cigarette lighter for example. There could be one little thing that seems so simple yet will make the lives of millions of people so much easier.

• Take something that works and make it betterThe Japanese are pretty good at this. They took a normal train and change it into the fastest train in the world (bullet train). Take a normal and existing concept and make an exceptional change to it.

• Start a movementPeople look for a leader, someone who takes charge and takes initiative. Someone who has good intentions and wants to make a big change for the better. Be that leader and start a movement to change something that is not right in this world.

• Fight for peace and freedomAll around the world there is so much unnecessary war and suffering. It seems impossible for one person to make a difference, but if everyone thinks like that, things will never change. Stop a war or change violent policies of a country and you will be remarkable.

• Preserve our planetRainforests are being destroyed, species wiped out, oceans overfished and beautiful ecosystems perish. Make a difference and start a movement to do something about the destruction of our planet.

• Help the hungryThere are so many people dying of hunger all around the world every single day. Do something to make a lasting difference. One idea I had was to get every person travelling on a plane to forfeit their meal for the hungry. A combined effort by all passengers would result in thousands of meals a day that could be given to hungry people all across the world.

• Push the limits (break a record)If you can do something that nobody else has been able to achieve, then you will not only get noticed but you will certainly be remarkable. You may just be the psychological inspiration for many others to get past the level that was always thought of as unbreakable.

• Revolutionize an industryWaltz into an industry or niche with a great idea or new perspective and put that idea in motion. If you can improve or revolutionize the way an entire industry does something then you are pretty remarkable.

• Tell Compelling Stories
  Stories are an amazing way to share knowledge and experiences with others. If you know how to create compelling and fun stories, you can make a big impact on the lives of others. That’s remarkable.

• Think BetterBe a step ahead of everyone else. Think faster, better or more efficiently.

• Read More Interesting ThingsThe more you read, the more you shape your personality. The more interesting things that you read, the more likely you are to become an interesting (and remarkable) person.

• Don’t Be BoringOne requirement of being remarkable is that you are not boring. Be original, fun and get things done.

• Stop Making ExcusesEither do something or don’t do it at all. Don’t be someone who always has excuses to stall doing something or justify why you didn’t do something.

• Never Settle For AverageNever be content with average or mediocrity. When other people give up and settle, carry on going and be better than them.

• Do What You SayIf people can rely on you and they know that when you say something that you will do it, you are well on your way to being remarkable. If you make a promise, keep it.

• Don’t Aim To Be RemarkableAs contradictory as it sounds, most remarkable people never set out to be remarkable. They did what they loved and were really passionate and that is what got them to being remarkable.

• Gimmicks FadeWhat’s fashionable soon becomes unfashionable. While you might be remarkable for a time, if you don’t reinvest and reinvent, you won’t be for long. Instead of resting on your laurels, you must commit to being remarkable again quite soon.

This is what Seth Godin wrote about being remarkable:

• “Remarkability lies in the edges. The biggest, fastest, slowest, richest, easiest, most difficult. It doesn’t always matter which edge, more that you’re at (or beyond) the edge.
• Not everyone appreciates your efforts to be remarkable. In fact, most people don’t. So what? Most people are ostriches, heads in the sand, unable to help you anyway. Your goal isn’t to please everyone. Your goal is to please those that actually speak up, spread the word, buy new things or hire the talented.

There is a difference between being remarkable and between being noticed. For instance, running down the street naked will get you noticed but it certainly doesn’t make you remarkable. However, if you were to run naked down the street of big cities all across the world to raise money for the homeless, then you may have a very good chance at being remarkable.

I highly recommend Seth Godin’s Linchpin: Are You Indispensable for a much better perspective on how to be remarkable.

Here I Am

I just saw this video and thought I should post it here.. Here I Am.. HIV is real

PHILIPPINES HERE I AM from Here I am Campaign on Vimeo.

In My Life

Okay... I watched this movie for numerous times, yet I am still moved... The movie made me realize how lucky Chart and I for having supportive family members (both sides).

Yes! Chart's Mom and Sis know about our status... My Mom and Sis as well...

I was so scared at first knowing his family might blame me because there is a big possibility that I infected him. (my cd4 is 358, his is 600+)

I was wrong. His mom made me feel accepted and loved. She didnt blame me and our sexual preference (meaning being gay). She said there are still things in life that can be called miraculous. That God will heal us or maybe sooner there will be a cure.

His sister accepts and loves me too. She said that because of our status, we shouldnt leave each other and always be supportive to each other.

All the more that Im loving Chart and his family. I believe God gave me a second family to make me realize that life does not stop on being HIV+. Because of my second family, I have the drive to be well and healthy. I dont want to be sick because I dont want them to worry. I want to prove to them that HIV is like diabetes and high blood nowadays. That we just have to be extra careful and healthier.

Chart and I also want to make our plans into reality because we want both of our families to be proud of us.
Same sex relationship is a commitment. We will celebrate our 4th anniversary on September and that is something we are so proud of. We want to prove to our families that we value our relationship and that what we have is not taboo.

My mom loves Chart. She has always been so supportive of our relationship. Everytime we have a tiff, she would always tell Chart to be patient with me and that she doesnt want me to end up with somebody new.

God thank you for Chart and his family. Thank you my Lord!

Nanay

The best medicine in the world is a mother's kiss. This is true when I told Nanay about my status... I just cant hide it anymore.. I know we may not have a perfect son-mom relationship but I can tell for sure that she loves me and I love her the most... I wanted it to be a no-big-deal disclosure... Kinda like I just need to protect myself and be healthier, and that everything is gonna be okay, kind of story. I know she will be hurt.. The last thing Id do is to give her another reason to blame my being gay.

We never talked about my sexuality. A day just came when I felt she knew and I started acting gay-er.. 

So it was a friday (if Im not mistaken) I went to her place.. She instantly felt that I was bothered and acting strange.. I told her Im sick.. I am undergoing medication and everything is still okay..  I told her unfortunately there is no cure for my illness..

 I told her I AM HIV+...

She was blank.. for 5 seconds.... she looked at me and started to cry.. She said if I was kidding,.. 

I told her I wish I was.. She hugged me and kissed me.. I started to cry as well.. 

She told me "Kasalanan ko to nak eh.. Kung inalagaan lang kita mabuti.. sana hindi kita pinabayaan.. Sana mas pinaramdam ko sayo na mahal kita.." 

I told her.. "Nay kung ano ako ngayun hindi yun dahil sayo.. Dahil sa mga naging desisyon ko nuon.. "

Nanay gave me strength and courage.. She is more that what ARVs can give.. She is my medicine.. 

She is the one I count on for the things that matters the most.. I feel stronger and braver because I know whatever happens Nanay will love me and take care of me without prejudice and anger... 

When it comes to LOVE, Nanay is the word... 

I love you Nanay.. I love you so much.... 

Goodbye Vocation

Chart and I decided it's better I quit my job. Teaching can be very stressful at times and I can't risk getting sick and compromising my immune system. I feel so scared and sad. Scared because I know there will come a day that I will miss my life in school especially my students. Sad because I have to give up what I love to pave way to doing something else. 

Chart is so positive that our plan to put up a business will work. And once it is up and running, he says I can go back to teaching because I won't have to worry about other things like household chores because we are going to get a house helper. May God bless and guide us with this.

Anyway, I am now taking ARVs... Doc said although my cd4 is 358 it is better I start taking antiretrovirals to help boost my immune system. 

It scared the hell out of me! I've heard scary stories about the many side effects of ARVs.. 

One side effect that scared me the most is rashes... I know pozzies who had almost perfect skin prior to taking arvs. Once they started taking, rashes came out. 

Good Lord! Its been 3 weeks now and no major-non tolerable side effects so far. Theres this feeling of wanting to vomit and spasm but both are tolerable to me. 

New Pozzy Friends...

Chart and I met new friends.. It's good to know other pozzies who are fighting the same enemy... We are all warriors,..

to Marvin, Joem, Bal, Steve, Brent, John, Inaki, Dan, and Mommy Kiara...

to my fellow bloggers and twittermates... 

Many Thanks! 

You are all included in our prayers..

A break - up letter not sent

Hello everyone.. It has been some time since I last updated my blog..
Anyway, I was busy the past days because a new schoolyear is about to start. And while checking the ppt presentations saved in my USB I came across a break -up letter for Chart. This letter I wrote before Chart himself broke up with me. (We broke up for a month. We reconciled after knowing both of our status..)

Okay.. so this letter is so dramatic.. I wish he wont read this.. He doesnt read my blog that often anyway.. I so regret writing this letter.. God knows I love him more than anyone's understanding of love...

To Chart, if ever you read this.. Im sorry I doubted my love.. OUR LOVE..
It wont happen again.. I swear to GOD!

I LOVE YOU FOREVER....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chart,

It has been quite a long time that we’ve been together. We shared memories. Some are sad while most are happy. You are ideal. Every gay guy would wish a partner just like you. I wanted “us” to be forever. I really did. I learned to embrace everything about you. How many times I told myself, you are all I could ever wish for? I lost count. With all the trials we’ve been through, I thought they made us stronger. I also thought the trials made me in the same way stronger too! Now I am here, typing the right words to contextualize how I really feel. I realize I am still the same man I was before… weak.. immature… unpredictable. I felt this feeling before; in fact I was scared it would reoccur in me. I don’t know if after typing these sentiments, Id have the courage to disclose and give you this letter. I may just delete and forget about this.
I care about you, your family and your friends and mine whom I know will be greatly affected. But truth must be known. I fought and really tried my best not to entertain what I am feeling.
With both of our busy schedules and our work time difference, I realized you have become second to all my priorities. That is so unfair to you. This relationship has become a hindrance to a lot of things I still want to do and accomplish. This may sound immature, I know! But please believe that I am hurting because I know you deserve someone who will make you his priority. Someone who will love you even more than the limitless love you have given me…someone who will be more than willing to make you happy.
Many times you told me I don’t love you the same way you love me. And for all those times I am sorry.
Many times, Id stare at you and ask myself what the heck am I thinking. This is not the same feeling I felt that we’ve fought and survived before. This time, I know I want to be free. This may sound selfish, unfair, and rude. But this is the truth.
I am just not happy anymore.
I still love you! I really do! But this kind of love is not strong for me to still drive myself into thinking that this is the kind of relationship I want.
I don’t have another man. If there is one thing I wouldn’t do, that is to replace you or cheat on you.
I know this will cause an argument. I know this will hurt you. I know you will please me and ask me to stay. Please don’t! It would hurt me so bad to see you get hurt and cry.
I don’t know what will happen after this. I didn’t plan this.. I just want to voice out the truth! I want a new life.. I don’t want to fool you anymore and tell you I love you the same way as before.
They say if you really love someone, let him go. I guess that is one thing we both must do.
I am letting you go and asking you to do the same.

I am never ALONE

What's next?? Clueless!

I want to know what is next for me.

My hub has done nothing so far but gave me laboratory tests.

I was asked to submit sputum samples again because they said my first samples' results were inconsistent. Actually I just asked one of the staffs there.

I also submitted my xray result which by the way led me to another xray because of the suspicious densities thinggy that they have seen in my first.

Just this afternoon, I had my second xray. This time it is a different view. They said this will confirm if my lungs have some sort of damage.

And now, I dont know what is next... Yeah,.. once I have the xray result I know I have to come back to Alabang and go to my hub.

I will have a talk with the doctor. I must ask about the ff.

1. My sputum test result.
2. If I need to start taking ARVS - My CD4 count is 358.
3. Why I have recurring cough and colds?
4. My xray result.
5. DO I have TB?
6. My back hurts a lot. DO I have osteoporosis?


Pls pray for me...

xoxoxo
Kevin

From http://positiveequalsrebirth.blogspot.com

I read this open letter from one of the poz bloggers. I really wish Philhealth can do something so pozzies wont have dilemma financially. Its no joke to pay for your lab tests and ARVs. Thats a hell lot of money. As an educator in a private school,I dont get much. Lives are at stake here...

An open letter to Philhealth
Dear Philhealth,

Firstly, I'd like to think that persons living with HIV (PLHIVs) like me truly appreciate your gesture of taking care of/subsidizing the cost of antiretrovirals (ARVs) that many of us take and of certain laboratory tests that we need to undergo relative to our medical condition, especially with the approaching termination of the Global Fund's financing of the same by December 2012. It would be of great help to us - financially, that is.

But I have some gripes with the way your office is treating us PLHIVs, who do not deserve to be burdened with certain requirements and procedures that would only stress us out a lot. Do know that stress and/or depression is not good for those like me.

You have required PLHIVS still not taking ARVs to pay for the CD4 count, for example. Whether or not, they have Philhealth. A CD4 count in a certain treatment hub costs P3,000! That amount is too heavy for someone who is earning just the minimum wage or barely reaching minimum wage. What if a PLHIV cannot afford to take that count or some other lab tests because of lack of funds? He or she will never know the current status of his or her immuno-compromised health unless he or she undergoes the regular physical exams and lab tests.

Another predicament that PLHIVs face is having to ask our human resources (HR), administrative heads, or managers to sign the CF1 form, which we need to submit every time we get ARVs or every three months. The most common questions asked of us who ask our employers or company officers to sign the documents are: what is this for and why do we need to sign it? We are a loss on how to explain it. We cannot tell them we have HIV, right? Or that we need this document for our HIV treatment.

I have learned that doctors of designated treatment hubs and representatives of PLHIV groups have met Philhealth officers and asked if your office can accept payslips instead of the CF1 because of the difficulty faced by PLHIVs in having it signed. The payslips would show that the employed is a regular contributor to Philhealth anyway. But your office have reportedly turned down the suggestion saying that payslips can be faked. But your office can check with where the PLHIV is working to determine if he or she is indeed employed there as suggested also but your office said that it would entail lots of work and would be an additional burden on your part.

We have the option though to tell our company that we will personally take over paying our contributions directly to Philhealth in order to evade questions on the signing of the CF1 forms but that would be tedious for PLHIVs, knowing how slow procedures are when it comes to government office transactions.

Sigh.

So we PLHIVs have no choice but to submit the CF1 form, along with the MDR every three months, and face the scrutiny of our employers, even the risk of not having our CF1 forms signed unless we can adequately explain why and for what reason is it being submitted for their signature.

I wish your office can make it things easier for us PLHIVs. We already have this medical condition. It was a lapse in our personal judgment by not adhering to safe sex that is why we contracted HIV, but do we have to be "punished" like this by your office?

I hope more consideration would be given to us because the bottom-line here is: lives are at stake.

Yours truly,
R10-AAC of RITM/"Aries"

I know things are gonna get better.

I know things are gonna get better
And I know things are gonna be fine
And I know life is gonna get better
Standing here together
Yeah, we’re gonna be fine

Why teachers don't have HMOs?

Ive been reading a lot today. I like to read other Pozzies' blogs.

This got my attention, other pozzies are trouble free because their hosp. bills may be covered by their HMOs.

Most of them are call center agents....

And then there is me, a high school teacher without an HMO and someone who gets little compensation.

To think that teachers should be given priority basically because with our line of work, we can easily get sick!

I've made up my mind! I must resign!

Universal access to HIV prevention, treatment and care is the key to ending the global AIDS epidemic.

Random thoughts...

This is for my single Poz friends... 





For all the Pozzies... 






This is for everyone...







AND THIS IS MY ADVOCACY.

Live like I dont have HIV

. 

Hello readers! Im so sorry for being away for some time... Ive been busy this past few days.

Busy with a lot of things normal (meaning healthy) people do..

First, I was with Chart's family last weekend. It was a celebration of his mom's bday. I had a blast!
For a while I forgot both of us have HIV.

Also, I felt sad. You know that guilt feeling that someday Chart's family might blame me for they might think I infected him? I felt that.

Anyway, that should be the least of our worries for now.

Then, I was working out a lot the past days. It is part of living a healthy life.

I was informed Chart's lab tests came out and all were negative. I thank God for that.

Mine?? well since there was a delay, I am anticipating sputum test is positive. I mean I am prepared to hear worse.

But I know God will not give me something I wouldnt be able to endure.

Please include us in your prayers.

Love, Love, Love....

Thank you readers!

I made this blog because of one advocacy: To spread HIV awareness through sharing my journey in living with the virus.

It is overwhelming to know that bloggers, readers, net surfers.... online peeps... take time to stop here, read and know my story. 

May thanks! And please continue to help me spread HIV awareness by promoting this blog.

Jesus is my healer...

Im sorry baby...

I told my sister about my status... I wished I did'nt.... 

Jap, a counselor -friend, told me that the loved ones of POZZIES need counseling too. And that they will also go through a process of acceptance. And it is no easy task...

Im sorry my love.  I dont want to give you burden. I dont want to give you something to worry about.

It was just because I am scared I wont be around for too long to be your Kuya...

Im not gonna die... not yet.... We will still make a lot of good memories together...

I love you sis... I so love you...